I am making progress. Albeit, slow progress. I can already see a change in how I think. If I have a negative thought, I acknowledge it then let it go and replace it with a positive thought. I have been writing down what I am grateful for every day in my journal. That has made it routine for me to notice the things that are going right for me. Even when I am not writing. I am getting more comfortable with meditating. In the beginning, I couldn't quiet my mind. Now with practice, I can focus better. I am also noticing when my mind starts racing that I can recognize and stop it. I am slowly adding physical activity. Right now I am doing 10 minutes of cardio about 3 times a week. I am trying to make it an everyday thing. It has been hard since I still have a lot of anxiety and I haven't been feeling well. Which really sucks because exercise is one of the best things for anxiety.  Something shifted in my brain this week. Mental illness and Narcolepsy have stolen a lot of

 I have treatment-resistant depression. That means that I have tried all the medications available to me and nothing is helping my depression. I have been hospitalized twice in the past 10 months for suicide attempts. I do want to get better. I go to therapy once a week, DBT group therapy once a week, and I take my medicine as prescribed. I am taking fish oil, B vitamins, Inositol, Magnesium, and D3. I use essential oils. I would do anything to make these feelings and thoughts go away. I really want to try Ketamine Infusions. Ketamine is supposed to instantly make suicidal ideations go away. It currently is not covered by my insurance and the infusions are expensive. I will need to save up for them. I want to live, I just want to end my suffering. Until I can save up enough money for my Ketamine Infusions, I am going to try to lessen my symptoms. I have been reading about rewiring your brain to think positively. You can also do things to increase your neuroplasticity which

Things had been on a steady decline since January. I was doing trauma therapy and that brought up a lot of hard feelings to deal with. Everything came to a head in June. My therapist left me to go to private practice. This was the first therapist I had connected with. Therapy was finally working for me and now I was going to have to start over and find a new therapist. I started having major panic attacks at work and breaking down at my desk. I ended up taking a leave of absence from work.  In July my boyfriend broke up with me. We had only been dating for a short time, but it really affected me. The short time we were together was the happiest I had been in years. Life felt normal and worth living. It was my fault for the break-up. I didn't handle it well at all. I started falling apart. I was crying all the time. I couldn't get up to do anything. I started having thoughts of suicide. My quality of life was very poor. I was not taking care of myself. I didn't shower for da

Shouko is my favorite anime movie character. She is so strong. I relate so much to her and Sinon. They have both been through so much and persevered.  I have been enjoying sitting outside on the back porch facing Cases Cove and rocking in the rocking chair while meditating. Today I listened to one of my new favorite songs. Nandemonaiya: song on spotify  ,  lyrics  . I like the English version which is strange because when it comes to anime I prefer Japanese. I really need to get a rocking chair so I can continue meditating and getting sun and fresh air at least once a day. I had nightmares again last night. I don't know if they would have been worse without the Prazosin or if it is helping. I didn't have as much trouble waking up this morning but falling asleep was hard. I was overthinking all day yesterday.  Saw the Dr. this morning. They are going to go up on one of my medicines to help with the depression.  11:00 Smart goals group 4:30pm Process Group

I want to be like Hina. Bring the sunshine to everyone. I want to be a light in the dark times. I was excited to watch, "Weathering With You" last night. Please watch it if you haven't seen it. There is even a throwback to, "Your Name." I had a pretty bad night terror last night which is weird since the medicine I am on is for night terrors. It shook me and I wanted to reach out to my friend to help calm me down but I didn't want to bother him. I feel like I am just being a burden on everyone. I feel very empty and alone. It's no one's fault but mine. I've thought about disappearing. Just letting everyone go so no one has to deal with me anymore. I would miss everyone but I feel like I would be doing everyone a favour. Two days. I get to go back to my life in two days. I am excited and very scared. I want to see my kid and play video games. I know I will be streaming Sunday night as long as everything goes well. I have a very strong n

I had to be woken up this morning to see the Dr. They upped my PTSD medicine Prozosin. It made me sleep hard last night.  I don't like feeling sleepy all day long. He wants me to give it one more night before I stop it. He said if I can't wake up today I can refuse it tonight. I just wish there was a cure. I'm so tired of trying all these medications. I can say that my depression and anxiety are getting better. I'm just anxious to go home and see my son. I miss him so much and I feel like a failure as a mom right now. These last few weeks have been so stressful on him. I know that I am doing the best thing I can for him right now by trying to take care of myself. I don't know if he understands that though. I feel like he is probably scared since he has already had one parent abandon him. I don't want him to be afraid that he will be an orphan which is what he would be if I don't get better. 

I am on a new sleep medicine. It does not help me sleep. It actually sped me up so I stayed up and rewatched, "Your Name". Then I had the dilemma of quietly crying so my roommates couldn't hear me. Omg that movie is so good. If you haven't seen it, you must watch it! It is my #2 Anime Movie. Soundtrack is amazing. I love love.  One day I will find someone who deems me worthy of their love. I have so much love to give. I feel like I would be an amazing girlfriend. I am just extremely needy and emotional. I'm supportive though. A definite ride or die. I feel like I fell in love with a man who doesn't love me back as a protective measure. It sounds counter intuitive. I love this person, they don't love me, so they can't abandon me if I never have them? I don't know. I just know I fall hard in love and then my heart aches for that person that I can't have. That is one of my goals for this year. To get out and find someone who will retur