Therapy Thursday is now Let's talk Thursday. Same concept with a focus on Mental Health Awareness. I planned for today's topic to be Depression. This morning as I was scrolling Twitter I found out that a popular streamer had committed suicide. The more I read about what he went through, the more I started to connect to him. I live with mental illness. Depression and suicidal ideologies are a part of what I deal with daily. Something I struggle with is that I want so badly to be loved. At the same time, I am so broken and have so much baggage that it is hard for anyone to love me or become close to me and I don't want someone to have to deal with it. I've had friends leave because of it.  I can't be sunshine and rainbows all the time and no one wants to be around that negativity. It runs people off. So what happens is people fake a smile and fake happiness to make everyone around them more comfortable. Positivity attracts positive. I've been trying to be more pos

This originally started out as a tweet after I became upset after searching for Therapy for myself. I suffer from PTSD, Panic Disorder, and a Mood Disorder. Last fall I went off of the 4 different medications I was on because I could not function. I was a zombie all the time and had no quality of life. Because I am no longer on those medications I struggle every day. Especially during times like these when my PTSD is triggered by the current events. I made a promise to someone that I would get help. Today I was looking into therapy. One therapy I am particularly interested in is Ketamine Therapy. Ketamine Treatment can save lives. Especially for individuals like me who are medication-resistant. I have tried every medicine currently available for my disorders. None of them made the soul-crushing depression go away. The side effects outweighed the benefits which is why I was advised to detox from them. I went through three long months of withdrawals after being on one of the medications

3/17/2021 I had several night terrors. As soon as I would jolt awake from one I fell asleep and had another. One I was fighting off an invisible force and fell out of my bed onto my blanket. Something then took the blanket and dragged me down the hall screaming. I was covered in my blanket. Something was holding me down and poking me in the ribs on both sides so hard it was physical pain.  2/17/2021 I had a sleep study. I literally prayed for night terrors to happen while I was hooked up. I got more than I bargained for. The first one and only one that I distinctly remember. This was an entity that I had not encountered before. I kept hearing a females voice talking out of my right ear. She was standing in front of the window. I could only see her silhouette. I tried to call out to the sleep technician. I had sleep paralysis so I could not move. I was sleeping on my hand and I tried to get my fingers to move so I could pry my mouth open so I could scream. The lady was tryin

It is Mental Health Awareness month. I wanted to tell my story of why I have PTSD. Something happened to me that I still have not been able to work through. There are details that I have never told anyone, not the doctors, therapists, police, or the lady who took pictures of my injuries. I am trying to move on and part of my therapy was saying out loud what happened to me. I never could do that and I left therapy and have not been back. I want to complete PTSD therapy. I still can't say out loud the events that happened, but I can type them in hopes that someone else can be saved from the red flags I missed.  I met this guy at work. He was super charming. He had a way of talking to people. He could sell a whale a glass of water. He told me he was a published author. I was writing at that time so I was super intrigued by this. He brought me some of his books to read. They were well written. He kept telling me things that pulled me in even deeper. He said he graduated sem

Last night on our weekly talk show on Twitch, Therapy Thursday, we talked about online relationships. We had a great turnout and I am so thankful for a the support.  During this episode I touched on something very personal and also embarrassing. I have feelings for someone who does not return those feelings. This is someone who I met online. We met in a discord server. We started messaging each other in February and I have mentioned this person in this blog before. I developed feelings for him. I became extremely needy and manipulative to get his attention and he blocked me on all forms of social media. I can be intense and a lot to deal with. I do admit fault in what happened.  Recently he unblocked me slowly. Starting with Discord, Steam, Twitter, and Twitch being the last. My friend clipped video of my reaction when he followed me again on Twitch. It meant so much to me. We are messaging each other and I am trying very hard to not repeat the mistakes I made before. I don

I received my drop thanks to watching a friend's Valorant stream on April 15. It took me four days and a lot of Twitch Valorant Live Stream watching. Valorant was a hard game for me to get into. I am a CSGO player so I am good at clicking on heads, but with Valorant the agents each have different abilities. Since all streamers now were able to drop keys, I took the opportunity to try and reach Twitch affiliate. I put on some makeup and started streaming. I did the tutorial and some of the practices, but I am a player who learns more by being in the action so I queued up solo for a game. The first lobby was nice, quiet. No one talked. I had no clue where to go or what to do and we lost. I queued up for my second match and was lucky enough to be with some toxic players. The insults and bullying started. I am aware of the toxicity in online games. It is pretty much a given that there are going to be toxic people and if you complain about it people pretty much say "then don&#

I just wanted to update everyone on life in general. Quarantine is driving me insane. I am a major hermit and rarely leave my house anyway, but being stuck inside involuntarily is driving me insane. I can not wait to go to the mountains and just be one with nature and not have to worry about dying from some crazy virus. I have not seen my family since early February. I have not been feeling well and did not want to expose anyone and since I have been to the Doctor and on steroids I need to wait at least two more weeks before I go around them. I am currently being evaluated by my Dr. I had a huge weight loss and I am not trying to lose weight so it is very concerning to me. My Dr., On the other hand, was excited for me. She seems to think it is the stress that is doing it, but ordered some bloodwork just in case. I mean 20 pounds in two months is kinda crazy. I have not been exercising and since we have been in quarantine it has been all comfort food. My mental health is okay. I am