It is Mental Health Awareness month. I wanted to tell my story of why I have PTSD. Something happened to me that I still have not been able to work through. There are details that I have never told anyone, not the doctors, therapists, police, or the lady who took pictures of my injuries. I am trying to move on and part of my therapy was saying out loud what happened to me. I never could do that and I left therapy and have not been back. I want to complete PTSD therapy. I still can't say out loud the events that happened, but I can type them in hopes that someone else can be saved from the red flags I missed.  I met this guy at work. He was super charming. He had a way of talking to people. He could sell a whale a glass of water. He told me he was a published author. I was writing at that time so I was super intrigued by this. He brought me some of his books to read. They were well written. He kept telling me things that pulled me in even deeper. He said he graduated sem

Last night on our weekly talk show on Twitch, Therapy Thursday, we talked about online relationships. We had a great turnout and I am so thankful for a the support.  During this episode I touched on something very personal and also embarrassing. I have feelings for someone who does not return those feelings. This is someone who I met online. We met in a discord server. We started messaging each other in February and I have mentioned this person in this blog before. I developed feelings for him. I became extremely needy and manipulative to get his attention and he blocked me on all forms of social media. I can be intense and a lot to deal with. I do admit fault in what happened.  Recently he unblocked me slowly. Starting with Discord, Steam, Twitter, and Twitch being the last. My friend clipped video of my reaction when he followed me again on Twitch. It meant so much to me. We are messaging each other and I am trying very hard to not repeat the mistakes I made before. I don

I received my drop thanks to watching a friend's Valorant stream on April 15. It took me four days and a lot of Twitch Valorant Live Stream watching. Valorant was a hard game for me to get into. I am a CSGO player so I am good at clicking on heads, but with Valorant the agents each have different abilities. Since all streamers now were able to drop keys, I took the opportunity to try and reach Twitch affiliate. I put on some makeup and started streaming. I did the tutorial and some of the practices, but I am a player who learns more by being in the action so I queued up solo for a game. The first lobby was nice, quiet. No one talked. I had no clue where to go or what to do and we lost. I queued up for my second match and was lucky enough to be with some toxic players. The insults and bullying started. I am aware of the toxicity in online games. It is pretty much a given that there are going to be toxic people and if you complain about it people pretty much say "then don&#

I just wanted to update everyone on life in general. Quarantine is driving me insane. I am a major hermit and rarely leave my house anyway, but being stuck inside involuntarily is driving me insane. I can not wait to go to the mountains and just be one with nature and not have to worry about dying from some crazy virus. I have not seen my family since early February. I have not been feeling well and did not want to expose anyone and since I have been to the Doctor and on steroids I need to wait at least two more weeks before I go around them. I am currently being evaluated by my Dr. I had a huge weight loss and I am not trying to lose weight so it is very concerning to me. My Dr., On the other hand, was excited for me. She seems to think it is the stress that is doing it, but ordered some bloodwork just in case. I mean 20 pounds in two months is kinda crazy. I have not been exercising and since we have been in quarantine it has been all comfort food. My mental health is okay. I am

I am currently a HUGE Corsair fan girl. Case: Corsair Carbide Series 275R ATX Mid Tower Case, Ram: Corsair Vengeance RGB Pro 32 GB (2 x 16 GB) DDR4-3200 Memory , Fans: Corsair LL120 RGB White with Lighting Node PRO 63 CFM 120 mm Fans, AIO: Corsair H100i RGB PLATINUM SE 63 CFM Liquid CPU Cooler,  PSU: Corsair TXM Gold 650 W 80+ Gold Certified Semi-modular ATX Power Supply, Mouse Pad: Corsair MM300 - Anti-Fray Cloth Gaming Mouse Pad - High-Performance Mouse Pad Extended X-Large, and Keyboard: the Corsair K70 RGB MK.2 SE Wired Gaming Keyboard. I was excited to find a white Corsair headset. I did my due diligence and read the reviews. I was looking for something that would not hurt my head since I have really bad migraines and my other headset was too tight. This headset is too loose though. If I have to bend down to do anything it is sliding off my head. I wish there was a way to make it a little tighter. The headset itself is very comfortable. The earpads go around your ears and do

Something happened recently that I am still trying to wrap my brain around. I had a friend who was going through something. They are the type of person that does not like to talk about their feelings no matter how hard you try to press. I felt that I did everything in my power to help this person. I tried to make them laugh. I tried to let them know that I was there for them. When they told me they broke a piece of furniture and couldn't play games anymore because of that I sent them money to buy a new desk. When I did that I expected them to at least let me know that they appreciated it and that it made them feel better. Instead, it was radio silent.  I did what I am best at. I pushed and pushed until I got some kind of response. I am not proud of how I acted. I should have just left them alone. In my mind though every bad thought was racing. Why don't they want to talk to me? They must not see me as a good enough friend to discuss their problems with. I spirale

Recently I was asked my thoughts on the reoccurring sexual assault themes in SAO. My friend knew I had PTSD and wanted to know how I felt about it. After watching more of the series I felt I needed to revisit the topic in a blog post. First, I believe the topic should be talked about in any medium. Whether it is a TV Show, Book, Movie, or mature Anime. It is important to get the conversation going and raise awareness. It must be addressed in such a way as to educate and not romanticize the topic. These are my opinions on the subject and not how anyone should feel. If these scenes bothered you and you don't think they should have been included, that is your right. You have to do what makes you comfortable. The first time sexual assault came up in SAO was Season 2 Episode 13. Sinon was attacked by her friend and he tried to rape her. The episode gave me pause. At first, I was triggered by the scenario. It really upset me. Here was this already broken character, who had bee