I am on a new sleep medicine. It does not help me sleep. It actually sped me up so I stayed up and rewatched, "Your Name". Then I had the dilemma of quietly crying so my roommates couldn't hear me. Omg that movie is so good. If you haven't seen it, you must watch it! It is my #2 Anime Movie. Soundtrack is amazing. I love love.  One day I will find someone who deems me worthy of their love. I have so much love to give. I feel like I would be an amazing girlfriend. I am just extremely needy and emotional. I'm supportive though. A definite ride or die. I feel like I fell in love with a man who doesn't love me back as a protective measure. It sounds counter intuitive. I love this person, they don't love me, so they can't abandon me if I never have them? I don't know. I just know I fall hard in love and then my heart aches for that person that I can't have. That is one of my goals for this year. To get out and find someone who will retur

I woke up at 6:45 am to the sound of glass breaking. It was a very rude awakening for someone with PTSD. The staff broke a glass divider in the office. I was hopeful for the new medicine, but I woke up several times during the night and now I'm very sleepy during the day. 8:30 am went back to see the Dr. the Dr. is worried about how severe my PTSD is. Since my event happened during my sleep I have somniphobia. I do not feel safe during sleep. I wake up several times during the night. I have night terrors. He put me on a medicine called Prozosin. It's a medication they give to war vets with PTSD to stop the night terrors. He is thinking if he can get me sleeping then I will feel better. He also wants me to have a sleep study. He will give it one more night to see how I am feeling before he adds any more medication. I told him about having a really bad night last night and that I was feeling antsy and wanted to leave to hurt myself. He explained it's an addiction.

It is 7:22 am. I went to sleep around 11 last night. I had a very long night the night before so I was exhausted to the point of not being able to keep my eyes open.  Very thankful that my friend streamed last night. Just reminded me of why people watch us on Twitch. It gets us away from our reality for a little bit. For a few hours I forgot all about my problems and where I was. I was comforted and happy. Of course like with streaming as soon as you turn off a friend's stream that connection is broken and you're completely alone. I was making bracelets with my friends names last night. I was being silly but when I was finished, I realized I put them on my left arm and that is the arm I use to hurt myself. Seeing my friend's names who I love so much on that arm made me tear up. I'm hoping I can use these bracelets to help stop the urges. When I see their names on that arm it will help me to stop and think. We had SMART goals group at 9 am. SMART= Specific Measurable Att

How does one end up back at rehab? Well I have been feeling the same way I did the first time I went to the hospital. Hopeless, empty, lonely, unloved. I had still been cutting myself. It was getting worse. I was being more self destructive than usual. Last night everything came to a head. I was already feeling that way. Then I took some thc chocolate and drank moonshine on top of that. That escalated everything.  I cut deeper than I usually do. I was scared that I was going to bleed out in my sleep. I called my sister. My sister came over and helped me pack my stuff. She was forcing me to go back to rehab and I agreed to go. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to get help so I can move on with my life. She took me to our Mothers house so she could keep an eye on me until the next morning when rehab opened. There was a chance that rehab wouldn't take me back since the last time I was here I tried to kill myself on the property which was a violation of the