I am making progress. Albeit, slow progress. I can already see a change in how I think. If I have a negative thought, I acknowledge it then let it go and replace it with a positive thought. I have been writing down what I am grateful for every day in my journal. That has made it routine for me to notice the things that are going right for me. Even when I am not writing. I am getting more comfortable with meditating. In the beginning, I couldn't quiet my mind. Now with practice, I can focus better. I am also noticing when my mind starts racing that I can recognize and stop it. I am slowly adding physical activity. Right now I am doing 10 minutes of cardio about 3 times a week. I am trying to make it an everyday thing. It has been hard since I still have a lot of anxiety and I haven't been feeling well. Which really sucks because exercise is one of the best things for anxiety.  Something shifted in my brain this week. Mental illness and Narcolepsy have stolen a lot of

How does one end up back at rehab? Well I have been feeling the same way I did the first time I went to the hospital. Hopeless, empty, lonely, unloved. I had still been cutting myself. It was getting worse. I was being more self destructive than usual. Last night everything came to a head. I was already feeling that way. Then I took some thc chocolate and drank moonshine on top of that. That escalated everything.  I cut deeper than I usually do. I was scared that I was going to bleed out in my sleep. I called my sister. My sister came over and helped me pack my stuff. She was forcing me to go back to rehab and I agreed to go. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to get help so I can move on with my life. She took me to our Mothers house so she could keep an eye on me until the next morning when rehab opened. There was a chance that rehab wouldn't take me back since the last time I was here I tried to kill myself on the property which was a violation of the

TW: Self Harm/Suicide Hey guys it's Elektra, This morning I checked myself back into a rehabilitation facility. It is called The Living Room in Blount County TN. I've still been cutting every night that I've been out of the hospital. Sometimes I cut so deep that I am afraid I'll black out and bleed out. I want to stop harming myself. I don't want to die. I want to get better and stop feeling so empty and lonely. I've got a lot of work to do. I am sorry for the disappointment. I feel like I am failing every single one of you by being here. Almost as if I've given up. I'm not going to give up until I get better and I'm able to continue helping others and making my friends happy. Thank you all for your support and prayers during this time. I should only be here until next Saturday or Sunday. I love you all. I will try to blog my stay this time so people can see what it is like in a facility like this. Please don't give up on me and help

  This Blogpost will discuss Self Harm and Suicide If you are sensitive to hearing about those topics please stop reading. If you or someone you love are contemplating suicide please contact:  https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ First, I want to say that no one is responsible for my suicide attempt. I am solely responsible, I have PTSD and have been recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder . If something ever happens to me in the future, please know that it is the illness and no one could have prevented what happened to me. Second, I am only writing about this to control the narrative. There have been many speculations, rumours, etc. Everything had been building up. Ever since the beginning of Covid, it is like the water kept rising and I was drowning. A few weeks ago I got very upset by a chain of events. Twitter had been very depressing. I had so many mutuals expressing how they wanted to commit suicide. One even going so far as to write out a suicide note. That af

It is Mental Health Awareness month. I wanted to tell my story of why I have PTSD. Something happened to me that I still have not been able to work through. There are details that I have never told anyone, not the doctors, therapists, police, or the lady who took pictures of my injuries. I am trying to move on and part of my therapy was saying out loud what happened to me. I never could do that and I left therapy and have not been back. I want to complete PTSD therapy. I still can't say out loud the events that happened, but I can type them in hopes that someone else can be saved from the red flags I missed.  I met this guy at work. He was super charming. He had a way of talking to people. He could sell a whale a glass of water. He told me he was a published author. I was writing at that time so I was super intrigued by this. He brought me some of his books to read. They were well written. He kept telling me things that pulled me in even deeper. He said he graduated sem

I may have lost a friend today. One I hold very dear to my heart. I have a very bad habit of being self-deprecating. I could make the excuse that it's the trauma I've been through, but I've had time to fix it. I stopped going to therapy because it got too hard. I am not kind to myself at all. I am very insecure. Today I installed a new GPU and PSU. I was so excited to upgrade my computer. A few weeks ago I had issues upgrading my CPU. It was a disaster but my friends were able to help me work it out. The upgrade today was supposed to be just a plug and play. I upgraded to a 2070 Super. It is a lot bigger than my old 1060. I had a little trouble getting it in and then my PC would not post. My first thought was that my motherboard had been damaged. I previously thought I damaged it when I installed my new CPU a few weeks ago and here I was being too rough on it trying to get my GPU to fit. My heart dropped and instantly I started berating myself. Stupid, what hav