I am making progress. Albeit, slow progress. I can already see a change in how I think. If I have a negative thought, I acknowledge it then let it go and replace it with a positive thought. I have been writing down what I am grateful for every day in my journal. That has made it routine for me to notice the things that are going right for me. Even when I am not writing. I am getting more comfortable with meditating. In the beginning, I couldn't quiet my mind. Now with practice, I can focus better. I am also noticing when my mind starts racing that I can recognize and stop it. I am slowly adding physical activity. Right now I am doing 10 minutes of cardio about 3 times a week. I am trying to make it an everyday thing. It has been hard since I still have a lot of anxiety and I haven't been feeling well. Which really sucks because exercise is one of the best things for anxiety.  Something shifted in my brain this week. Mental illness and Narcolepsy have stolen a lot of

Things had been on a steady decline since January. I was doing trauma therapy and that brought up a lot of hard feelings to deal with. Everything came to a head in June. My therapist left me to go to private practice. This was the first therapist I had connected with. Therapy was finally working for me and now I was going to have to start over and find a new therapist. I started having major panic attacks at work and breaking down at my desk. I ended up taking a leave of absence from work.  In July my boyfriend broke up with me. We had only been dating for a short time, but it really affected me. The short time we were together was the happiest I had been in years. Life felt normal and worth living. It was my fault for the break-up. I didn't handle it well at all. I started falling apart. I was crying all the time. I couldn't get up to do anything. I started having thoughts of suicide. My quality of life was very poor. I was not taking care of myself. I didn't shower for da

I am on a new sleep medicine. It does not help me sleep. It actually sped me up so I stayed up and rewatched, "Your Name". Then I had the dilemma of quietly crying so my roommates couldn't hear me. Omg that movie is so good. If you haven't seen it, you must watch it! It is my #2 Anime Movie. Soundtrack is amazing. I love love.  One day I will find someone who deems me worthy of their love. I have so much love to give. I feel like I would be an amazing girlfriend. I am just extremely needy and emotional. I'm supportive though. A definite ride or die. I feel like I fell in love with a man who doesn't love me back as a protective measure. It sounds counter intuitive. I love this person, they don't love me, so they can't abandon me if I never have them? I don't know. I just know I fall hard in love and then my heart aches for that person that I can't have. That is one of my goals for this year. To get out and find someone who will retur

How does one end up back at rehab? Well I have been feeling the same way I did the first time I went to the hospital. Hopeless, empty, lonely, unloved. I had still been cutting myself. It was getting worse. I was being more self destructive than usual. Last night everything came to a head. I was already feeling that way. Then I took some thc chocolate and drank moonshine on top of that. That escalated everything.  I cut deeper than I usually do. I was scared that I was going to bleed out in my sleep. I called my sister. My sister came over and helped me pack my stuff. She was forcing me to go back to rehab and I agreed to go. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to get help so I can move on with my life. She took me to our Mothers house so she could keep an eye on me until the next morning when rehab opened. There was a chance that rehab wouldn't take me back since the last time I was here I tried to kill myself on the property which was a violation of the