Rehab Diary Day 4: November 11 2020 TW: Self Harm, Suicide, Anxiety

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I am on a new sleep medicine. It does not help me sleep. It actually sped me up so I stayed up and rewatched, "Your Name". Then I had the dilemma of quietly crying so my roommates couldn't hear me. Omg that movie is so good. If you haven't seen it, you must watch it! It is my #2 Anime Movie. Soundtrack is amazing. I love love. 

One day I will find someone who deems me worthy of their love. I have so much love to give. I feel like I would be an amazing girlfriend. I am just extremely needy and emotional. I'm supportive though. A definite ride or die. I feel like I fell in love with a man who doesn't love me back as a protective measure. It sounds counter intuitive. I love this person, they don't love me, so they can't abandon me if I never have them? I don't know. I just know I fall hard in love and then my heart aches for that person that I can't have. That is one of my goals for this year. To get out and find someone who will return my love like I deserve. 

It will be hard since I'm currently in love with someone. It's just nonsensical. Why do I love this person who has told me multiple times he does not have feelings for me? Why do I feel this need to take care of this person and make them happy? It makes me happy to see other people happy. I value his friendship above all else. He has been there for me through really dark times. Where everyone else ran away. 

I wonder if he is there out of love (friendship love) or if he is only there for me out of fear of me killing myself. It's hard to think about. I would rather have a true friend than a friend that has ulterior motives. I don't want to manipulate or scare anyone into being my friend or lover. 

I woke up around 8:30 am. I did not sleep well at all last night. I have a new room mate who talks in her sleep. I woke up every hour again. So I give the sleep medicine a big fat 0. 

Group Therapy 9:30am
10:00 am DBT Group therapy over Zoom 

I haven't been blogging my day because I've been frustrated by things happening in my life outside of rehab and my control. I did get crafty and make these rocks.

I miss my son, my friends, and my privacy. I hate that I am not able to go to the funeral of my Uncle. This illness has ruined my life. I could not leave my house and visit my grams as much as I should have before she passed away. Now someone else has passed away that I should have spent more time with. I want to get better and stop being so isolated so I don't miss out on spending time with my loved ones. 

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